I called him up yesterday to invite him to karaoke. At first, he didn't answer, so I left him a message. He called back a little later, saying he'd love to hang out after he did something with his parents in La Jolla. I put on my A-game clothes and headed over to J's house for dinner. Of course I didn't eat much; I never eat anymore. I'm too stressed, too nervous, too excited, too busy to eat.(If you never noticed, take time to marvel at your body's amazing stress responses. Your physiology is pretty awesome.)

Right before we rolled over to the karaoke place, he texted me saying that he was sorry he couldn't make it. But "next time for sure" he'd come out. Of course I was bummed, but this weekend is too full of work to not enjoy myself on a Friday night, so I went anyway. I had an amazing time. Admittedly, it would have been more amazing and more fun if he had come. And I told him that.

What makes me a little scared is that he isn't interested. The signposts point in two opposite directions, and I don't know which one leads me to him. But I'm not going to let it disturb me. I can't. I elect to remain optimistic about everything and not get dragged down by my self-doubts. It's this new thing I'm trying out, and let me tell you: for the most part, it works like a charm. On Monday, when I totally emo'd out to the point of crying, I made a conscious decision that I need to change my attitude towards things like this, or else I'll ALWAYS end up trashed in the end. It doesn't mean that I won't be a little sad or disappointed when things don't go my way... but I need to take control of how I feel in order to make it through intact. There used to be a time when I would completely fall apart after something like this, which admittedly is an overreaction--but it was the only way I knew how to deal. What are these years of experience and supposed-growth for if not to make me a better person?

So. It's a little late in the year for resolutions, but there it is. Four months late and I have something to build towards in my personal life.

Anyway, I told him I'd call him if anything came up tonight. Here's to hoping, and to not breaking down if everything doesn't go out according to my plans!

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