Part of me looks forward to the summer because it's going to be the last summer I have before graduate school (assuming I get in) and therefore, it needs to be done up right!

Then I realize that I can't because I have no money and I need to actually work so I don't have to starve during the school year.

I recall a bunch of my friends heading off to Asia sometime this year for a little vacation. At this point, no one even asks me if I want to come because the answer will invariably be "Yes, but I can't."

I'm so freaking tired of that.

And then I feel so guilty because sometimes I absolutely detest being born to a family of modest means. I should be happy that I'm not living in some rundown barrio in the Philippines, that I was given the chance to go to college, that my life so far has been better than my parents', that I am marked for future success and happiness. And then I think: what if that success comes a bit too late and by that time, all of my youth has escaped me; or worse: what if it never comes at all.

I'm continually haunted by these thoughts (I'm sure if you dig through my blog a bit more, you'll find this is a recurring theme), and I try to remain happy, but sometimes it just gets to be a bit much. Luckily, there is one thing I can do to bring a touch of luxury to my family's middle-class world: I can cook. And dammit, I can cook well.

Now this entry has taken a positive turn, and so has my mood. Tonight, I'm going to bake a salmon with a pear glaze and it's going to be AWESOME and taste better than the crap they serve at most chain restaurants. And it will be a luxury most people will have to pay handsomely for, but I won't since I can actually cook!

(See? I'm totally boyfriend material.)

Maybe this summer I'll take some formal cooking classes. It'll cost me money, but is there a better way of visiting a far away land than by cooking (and eating, and enjoying) its food? Alright, maybe actually flying there would be better, but I think this is the next best thing. And it's something that I can keep with me for the rest of my life.

even if people know what the answer is going to be, it's still nice to know that they want to include you in what they're doing. I hate people who make assumptions like that because then the one time you can actually go, they didn't bother to even mention it because of their idiotic assumption.
» LostSoul13 on 2008-02-19 10:40:35

I've never been one for fruit + meat myself, but I'm sure it'll turn out well...
» randomjunk on 2008-02-20 12:12:43

Heh
This reminds me of a clever jump rope shirt I ordered a litttle while ago (yes, jump ropers have shirts too). The front says "I can't", and the back reads "I've got jump rope." It rings true for much of my life...I can't really do anything but do homework or frolick for a bit on the internet because I'm always practicing.

A lot of things I've never had to pay for. Jump rope expenses in particular...it's a very costly sport despite what people think. Between travel costs, uniforms, team tuition, etc. there's a lot of money involved, but I never had to worry about any of it. I still don't, but I'm only now starting to appreciate it.

When you're younger, you think that the way you live is the norm. Everybody gets the same amount of money from the Tooth Fairy, everybody gets the same amount of presents from Santa Claus. But as you grow up in the world, you get exposed to realities outside of your own. Some people realize this faster than others, and since I tend to be a late bloomer I figured this out later in life.

Anyhow, it sounds bad, but you don't really know what you have until you see what other people don't. It makes you do a double take on your own life and say "wow, I'm pretty lucky." And I can say I'm lucky. I've never felt restricted by money. I've said "thanks mom, thanks dad" my whole life, but now I'm really starting to mean it......isn't it sad though? I say "I can't, I've got jump rope" and you say "I can't, I don't have the financial assets." Fuck.

Reading this makes me feel so undeserving -_- More fuel for reform though haha

Gahh I don't even want to get started on the "getting old..." Death is less frightening than that
» The-Muffin-Man on 2008-02-20 03:11:56

Formal cooking class? Is it like taking culinary arts in college? My brother wants to take that course in college.. which might start soon.
» Nuttz on 2008-02-20 08:59:42

i understand this entry.

sometimes i wish i was born into a rich family so everything got to do with money i don't have to worry. but i guess it doesn't matter whether i'm rich or not because happiness is something i have to find myself. i find that me not being rich has enabled me to see and appreciate things better.

i may not be rich at the moment but doesn't mean i won't be rich later on. it also doesn't mean i won't be able to achieve whatever i want to do in this lifetime. i may be late in achieving them but it's better than leaving them as a dream. the most important thing is not give up and being alive is the prerequisite.
» renaye on 2008-02-20 09:01:21

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