And not enough time.

Basically, I had a fantastic time after my presentation with friends in SF. We all got very drunk and hilarity ensued. I didn't go to bed until probably about 3:30, and I woke up about 4 hours later (not to mention the fact that when I am inebriated I can NEVER sleep straight, so I kept waking up in the middle of the night). Good deal, considering the night before I got, oh, NO SLEEP.

So the next day at breakfast, I get a call from my mom that my grandma was in the hospital. I didn't say anything to the other guys because I didn't want to be a downer, especially since we were all having the best time, but inside, I wanted to cry. Or hit something. Hard.

Eventually I made my way to the hospital, where I saw my grandmother, more frail than when I saw her last--a few days prior. She hadn't been getting out of bed, so she was malnourished and dehydrated. She had been feeling nauseous the last week and everything just snowballed from there. I couldn't look directly in her eyes because I was close to completely losing it. I knew she wouldn't be dying in that room--she just needed to regain her strength after being hungry and dehydrated--but she DOES have end-stage metastatic cancer, so I know it isn't going to be long.

That night, I visited her alone for two hours while my dad met with his siblings to discuss what may happen next. Sometimes, I feel like I'm taking on the responsibilities of a first-born grandson (even though I'm the third) because I'm the one who does all this stuff, but it's fine with me. The two older ones haven't even finished college and one has a son, so they have things that they need to attend to. I'm perfectly content in my position--it gives me a certain sway over what's being planned for my grandma.

My uncle and my grandpa relieved me of my duties. I got into the car and cried.

The following day, the doctor came in to discuss with the family what might be done. I liked her: she was personable and knowledgeable, whereas my grandma's previous doctor was an excellent diagnostician, but extremely mechanical and cold. She explained the options to us, and my grandmother--to our surprise--wanted to try out the chemo embolism, which basically means they will take a chemotherapy drug and inject it directly into the site. Of course, this would mean more tests for her--they need to reassess the cancer's growth via CT scan and see if it would be worth it. Plus, there's always the chance of complications or side-effects. She's old, so she needs all of the viable organ mass she can get. If the chemo fails, it could simply not work, or it could cause adverse reactions with the healthy cells around it. Also, the trauma of injection would be difficult for her to bear in her old age, especially if her immune system is not up to snuff with all of her worrying and her lack of nutrition...

I spent a lot of time in that hospital.

And I'm going back today.

I just had to late drop a class because I couldn't complete the midterm paper. I thought I'd have time after the SF excursion, but with the way things were going... I couldn't leave that room and worry about working on a paper. Considering the amount of sleep I'd gotten in the previous four days--about 9 hours overall--I don't think it would have been physically or mentally possible to do so, even without my grandma lying in a hospital bed preoccupying my mind. I didn't finish another midterm paper for my film studies class, but I figure that I've got 120 points I can miss out on and still get an A in that class. Right now, this means I've used up 70. I tried to do that paper last night but I was too dead. I just fell asleep instead; last night, I got more sleep than I had the previous four days combined.

I'm so tiredworriedstressed that I'm tense all over and my stomach is ablaze and my heart is in my throat.

So sorry about your grandmother.
» Southern on 2007-05-21 05:10:11

hang in there, smoky
you're not alone.

my grandad died of cancer the summer before senior year. I never really knew him- now that's a sad tale. I think you're very lucky that you have gotten to know your grandmother so well. I can imagine that having such a loving family around her will infuse her with untold strength.
» Zanzibar on 2007-05-21 11:20:57

oh, sweetie...
My grandfather died of cancer a few years ago during a performance. I never knew him that well and that rips me up a bit. There's nothing for me to say, really. My best wishes, sweetie. *muah*
» Silver-dot- on 2007-05-21 11:56:34

my best wishes to you, your grandmother and your family.
» LostSoul13 on 2007-05-22 12:38:27

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