Sometimes, I fantasize about maiming people so bad that their lives are ruined forever. I never act on those fantasies, but I always let out my anger on an inanimate object nearby. I have caused property damage before, and it isn't pretty. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll accidentally hurt someone I care about, even if they are the people that piss me off in the first place. Sometimes, I wish someone would tell me what's wrong with me.

It goes like this: I am fairly tolerant until a certain point when I just snap. Then I start shaking, my fist starts clenching, I begin to breathe heavily, and I get tunnel vision. Then I regain some sort of control over myself and punch a wall or kick a chair or throw objects at a wall. Then I storm off, lock myself in my room, and sleep or otherwise vegetate until I calm down.

I've tried counting to 10 before doing anything and that doesn't work because it ends up just being a sort of countdown. And I've tried keeping it in, but I feel... not physically ill afterwards, but I feel abuzz with anger and I can't concentrate on anything afterwards anyway. And I would go to the garage and hit the punching bag a few times, but I've knocked that thing off the ceiling before, which is a bad thing if the family's Volvo is parked not more than a foot and a half away.

I want to get help, but I don't have insurance of my own, and I have a feeling my mother doesn't want me getting any pharmacological help bceause she wants to maintain this image of perfect me for the family. But maybe that demand to put on airs is part of the problem.

I don't know.

Well, maybe writing will help. I do feel a bit calmer now. I might be ready to open the door.

Hmmm...
I used to be like this. I can almost guarantee you I know what it is.

You know/knew someone who had a TERRIBLE temper and there by has caused you to fear being like them. Am I right?
I may not be right, but it still seems that you DO hold back until you snap. Don't hold back. Deal with the issue the moment it comes. Don't try to tolerate it, try to work through it.

Been there, done that. Once I tell my story, you're more than welcome to read it.
» elessar257 on 2007-01-15 01:11:37

the top
was loosely placed on top, to let in said organisms. and the shoe box was to help deter anything bigger. the fire pit is right next to our compost pile, to hide (mask) the scent.
» middaymoon on 2007-01-15 01:26:27

Counting to 10... I laugh at that.

I've realized that I'm not particularly allowed to be angry when I'm at home, regardless of the fact that people piss me off to no end. :/

*so* I've taken to clenching my jaw. This came back to bite me in the ass a few months ago, when my jaw decided it didn't want to cooperate at all. :/
» ikimashokie on 2007-01-15 01:29:21

Yeah... It's annoying. I find that I tend to do the woman thing and get depressed and angry at the same time.

I end up crying, because I'm not really allowed to get pissed and break things... even though I do it anyway.
» ikimashokie on 2007-01-15 01:44:04

thank you. i don't know you, but thank you so much. i plan on treading on.. it's just going to be so much harder now..

» ThisCharmingMan on 2007-01-15 01:48:18

You can be one of those people who seems normal for years... then one day just goes on a killing spree. :D

Just don't kill me.
» randomjunk on 2007-01-15 08:47:48

I get so pissed off at times that I want to punch something or someone, but I usually just stay away from people until I can get far enough away to not hurt them. I end up throwing something once I get home. Or I just rant. Whether to a person or in a blog, I just rant. I find it helps.
» LostSoul13 on 2007-01-15 09:20:06

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.